A letter to time

Idosa branca segurando uma carta Old white woman holding a letter

I remember the solitude I had inside my soul during my twenties. Who would be the woman that I'd like to become? I didn't know. I just had an urgency of understanding myself and removing the feeling that permeated me: the painful incomprehension and the sadness of the empty talks.

I had this infinite inner feeling that would never go away plus the disquietude from the immaturity. I don't feel it anymore. The years made me see what's going on now and understand that I do have this loneliness inside me and it's ok. It doesn't need to be filled anymore, I just need to feel understood and embraced.

Now I'm able of forgiving my choices, I'm able to not hate every little inch of me. The girl that I carried is still there and now I can see her. I'm capable of realizing that when I hurt myself, I'm hurting who I was, and I don't want to cause pain to the kid that I still have inside.

I forgive my mistakes, everytime that I made mistakes, even the embarassment that insists in coming back. However, what's past is past and there's nothing that can be done to change it. Brooding over the past? For what, besides opening wounds that should already be healed? Keep yourself out of the grounding, you have punished yourself too much. Let it go.

Time is not relentless, but the friedly blow that was missing. It allowed you to facing your mistakes patiently and understanding that you don't owe anything to anyone. Yes, reality hurts, and you live a persistent loneliness, but the years helped you to comprehend that this feeling is not meant to be shared, even if you have someone to to share it with.

Love is calm, different of everything you believed. It came and, different of what people made you believe, you deserve it. Maybe that's the reason you're living such a happy love. Such a plain love. A love that you thought it didn't exist and, because of that, you were looking for in the wrong places and wrong people.

Now you allow others to see your good side, your beauty. For many years you didn't allow anyone to see your real self and there was a reason for it. You just had pain inside you. Today, there's still pain, but it doesn't define you anymore.

The anguish that you carried got lighter. The tears that you held can drop. Time has been good to you. It allowed you to allow yourself. It allowed you to existing instead of always holding out.

Text published in my Tumblr Textos da Lívia Lamblet

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